my own humanity. The civil rights movement benefitted White women as
I am not your ally; I am what you need me to be “Do you consider yourself an ally?” she asks. We’re sitting in a studio recording my podcast.
How do you answer this? If the answer is yes, how do you prove it? How do you quantify support? If the answer is no, does that immediately mean that you don’t care about marginalized people?
Too often, I’ve seen the label not match the sentiment.
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When I was a kid, I had a friend a year or two younger than me who lived across the street. I can’t remember his name for the life of me, but I do remember that he had all the toys, and that I wanted to play with them. I also knew that, for whatever reason, he was very sheltered and had no friends that I had ever seen.
I went to his house every day. He was thrilled to have a friend, and I was more than happy to play with every single one of his toys — at least until I lost interest in toys and got into sports. Once my interests changed, I found new friends and left my toy beneficiary behind. Our interests no longer aligned, so I dipped.
This, in a nutshell, is the problem with allyship: At its core, it calls for some quid pro quo. Allyship is only as good as the opportunities that bind them. Because of this, I have been reluctant to claim that I am anyone’s ally.
Over the last few years, the term has been bandied about, especially regarding liberal causes; White liberals ally themselves to Black causes, straight people to LGBTQ+ causes, and men to women’s causes. In short, it is essentially the privileged “reaching down” to those with less.
The term ally, as it is currently used, is often temperamental and easily lends itself to being self-serving. The very nature of its strategic use makes this unavoidable.
Allyship, like what I had with my childhood “friend,” is conditional, but somewhere along the way, these partnerships develop a thin layer of altruism. It’s a presentation that, seemingly by design, fools the presenter more than anyone else into thinking that their support is special, effective, and irreplaceable.
There has always been an end around of using the “ally” label that results in skipping meaningful work, then enjoying the satisfaction of intent over action.
My favorite example of this is the post-2016 election safety pin trend. White folks donned safety pins as a symbol of their support for marginalized people amid the new Donald Trump dystopia — it was laughable to most people who were supposed to find it endearing. It was an empty gesture that, at its peak, became a fashion trend; you could find “custom” safety pins on Etsy. The worst part? It was more a means to assuage guilt than make a difference.
When I look back at my friend and his toys, I realize what was at the time couched in mutual benefit was, in fact, exploitation. I never cared about my lonely benefactor. I cared, first and foremost, about how the relationship worked to my advantage. There was no thought or concern as to what would happen when my interests changed. Should I continue to hang out with him despite my changing interests? Maybe introduce him to a new friend? Young me couldn’t have cared less.
In life, you are only relevant as long as you are useful.
Allyship suggests a level of action that often falls flat in practice — or doesn’t exist at all. It is a badge that requires little effort to acquire and usually costs those subject to it more than they were aware of or willing to pay. Hashtag activism is great for bringing awareness, but, at some point, aren’t we all aware? Real activism is about bringing quantifiable change. I am neither an activist nor an organizer, and I am not involved in politics. I know several of each, and their impact on the world far outshines anything I have ever done.
At best, I have been fortunate enough to have some of my work read and listened to by a small group of people who deem it worthy of notice. That does not endow me with any right or privilege beyond the reciprocation of the respect and care I have received.
Am I an ally? Nah. I ultimately do the bare minimum: I try. I try to think before I act, speak, or tweet. Truth be told, if it wasn’t for friends occasionally tapping me on the shoulder and telling me, “Nah, that ain’t it,” I would have likely fucked that up, too. I have no interest in being anyone’s ally. I gain nothing from anyone seeking my support outside of a further understanding of their plight. I do not, or at least try not to, trade on my support.
In 2020, it can not be about the shiny things. The badges that allyship provides can’t be the goal. The self-righteousness of superficial salvation can’t be the win. The rights of membership that many allies enjoy — appropriation, condescension, and priority — will never advance us.
As it is currently used, the term ally is often temperamental and easily lends itself to being self-serving. The very nature of its strategic use makes this unavoidable. It weakens our ability to support one another based on the principle of correctness and responsibility. I support the rights of marginalized individuals because there is simply no reason not to. More accurately, I support the rights of marginalized individuals because they are the castle walls that protect my own. To not support them is to will the loss of my own humanity. The civil rights movement benefitted White women as much, if not more, as the Black people who were its foundation. Those of us who stand on intersectionalities’ roughest corners allow the rest of us to enjoy the plushness of our privilege.
There is nothing I want from those I can assist beyond the enjoyment of their humanity. To subscribe to any other philosophy is, in some way, an effort to emulate those who have oppressed me. It is what makes hotep culture so objectionable. Time and time again, it has shown itself to seek power by dismissing and attacking those fighting the same fight. The emulation of oppression can never be the path to freedom.
The growth and empowerment of others do not impede my progress or negate my existence. This fact alone makes capitalizing through any form of allyship cheap and unnecessary. The threat of assailing those rights makes the rights of us all potentially untenable.
I am not your ally. I am what you need me to be.
